I saw a face in my dreams last night that I haven’t thought about for a long, long time. It was a boy I knew in junior school. He was the year above me. I had a childish obsession with him which came screeching to a sad halt when I gave him a gift I got on holiday. Upon receiving my lovingly chosen magnifying glass in a small black velvet pouch, he yelled at me “I don’t want any gifts from you!” in front of all his friends.
Yikes. Pre-adolescent heartache stays with you, it turns out. Maybe that’s why I’m having a sexy dream about the adult version of him over two decades later.
I lay in bed that morning feeling feverish and unsettled and weirdly turned on by it all. I headed out from my apartment thinking, what a gift! There’s something for you to learn here, Emma.
In between running errands, the thought randomly occurred to me that I should start writing erotica. Why not? I think E.L. James is a freaking genius. You can say what you like about her writing but her books were damn successful.
I wrote down the words “Handyman called Jonah” in my notebook. WHAT the heck is going on with my brain? I feel crazy. Why are all these sexy thoughts suddenly coming out of nowhere?
In between errands, I sat in the Whole Foods cafeteria snacking on some sushi, and I suddenly got the impulse to listen to some audio erotica. I sped home and tried to find something that would work. The free samples I could find online just weren’t doing it for me, so I pulled out my credit card and bought a subscription to BLOOM, which is the new name for the company Audio Desires.
While Architecture Professor’s deep voice booms out of my AirPods, I think, what the hell is wrong with me??? I haven’t felt this horny in months. Am I cured? Is my year of a weird lost libido over? Suddenly my skin felt more sensual to me and I felt an overall heightened sense of awareness of touch and sound.
The next day I had planned a shopping day to pick up some things for spring. I sashayed down Prince St feeling a million bucks even though it was the most dismal rainy day of the month. I smiled at strangers. I actually made eye contact with the nice barista at Joe and the Juice, where I paid the price of a Vanilla Matcha Latte in exchange for the use of their bathroom.
Alas, this phase lasted no more than a weekend. I don’t even know why I thought to check my Apple period tracker, but when I did, I saw that I had (with almost 100% certainty) ovulated during the time I was feeling freakily sexy.
Well, THAT could explain it. Before I had my Nexplanon implant removed, it was dutifully pumping hormones into my blood for years, so I hadn’t actually ovulated since I was 19.
I thought it was magic. It was like my body came alive. I felt confident, and above all, sexy! I knew from listening to my beloved Sarah Hill’s book that my body tries to make me more interested in sex and feel more sexy when I’m ovulating. That’s grossly oversimplifying the complex processes of the reproductive system, but that’s the gist.
If only I could feel THAT good the whole month long! It even made me rethink my decision to try to choose a new birth control method. At the time of writing this, I’ve been on the pill for about 3 weeks, and I’m STILL daydreaming about that sexy weekend. I may get a period on this pill but I don’t think that ovulation glow is coming back, damn it.
It seems like such a poor deal. Option 1: Naturally cycle and get to feel the sexiest I’ve felt in YEARS at least once a month but have to use condoms and still risk pregnancy. Or Option 2: Give myself peace of mind with a reliable birth control method, ditch the condoms, and sacrifice being an ovulation goddess.
Ugh. I kinda want to be an ovulation goddess. It rocked. But I also want to remove the threat of pregnancy from my life. The irony is not lost on me that the effects that I loved about ovulating are specifically designed to HELP me get pregnant. The sheer injustice.
I realize I’ve never had a single conversation with a female friend about ovulation and if it affects them in any type of way. I resolve to do that and see what I can find out about their experiences
