My boyfriend loves having his back scratched. It’s his kryptonite, so I oblige as often as I can. Sometimes, he asks out loud. Sometimes, he grabs my hand and places it gently on his back to indicate that it’s scratching time. Other times, he simply takes his shirt off, lies on the bed, and waits.
I have a counter-pleasure that I enjoy and request in return, which is having my back massaged. If I ever had the money, I would have a hot stone massage every single day. This is a more involved process than back scratching as it takes more effort, so I try not to demand this too often.
Last night, my boyfriend offered not just a back massage, but a full-body massage. Jackpot! I happily lay with a pillow under my head as some soft spa music played in the background.
He offered it as a kind way to help me relax and beat the Sunday Scaries. He told me later that he wasn’t expecting it would lead to sex. But, as he massaged my back, my arms, my hands, then my legs and feet, I realized that having my lower body massaged is a big turn-on.
I know that’s not especially unique, but as I run my mind over my sexual encounters to date, I can’t think of a time when a partner really devoted himself to touching my legs, thighs, and feet.
It’s like, duh, of course, massage is sexually charged, and yet I’ve only done this a handful of times. Massage is also doubly hot because I’m usually laying on my stomach so I can’t see him and I don’t know where he will touch me next.
After maybe 15 minutes of massage, I tell my boyfriend that I want to have sex. I initiate! And this after days of agonizing and feeling guilty about whether it will be a sexless weekend.
We start having sex and I feel an abnormal sharp pain shooting through my stomach. Weird. We switch positions and the pain goes away. He wants to go down on me but I know I’m not ready. Meaning, I’m still too sensitive to be touched directly down there. For once I stop giving a fuck about saying the right thing and tell him straight that I don’t want him to go down on me yet.
“I’m not ready,” I say, and he happily goes back to having sex with me. He is really focused on moving in a way that feels good for me. After another few minutes, I’m adequately warmed up and feeling great! Then, I ask him to go down on me.
I come pretty soon after that. Then I cry. Because having a little cry after I orgasm is just what I do these days. That or hysterically giggle, or both. Ever since having my Nexplanon removed, I hoped my libido would magically come back, so it’s emotionally charged any time I do feel the same old level of desire.
“I like when you’re more direct”, he tells me after, and I feel proud of myself. I got out of my head long enough to say hey, I’m not ready, so that won’t feel good for me just yet.
I’m feeling hopeful today that this is a foundation I can continue building on.
