Days before my 27th birthday, my boyfriend and I had a talk. This is the talk many couples will recognize – it’s the ‘Why Don’t We Have Sex Anymore?’ talk. The truth was that I knew we needed to talk about it, but had been avoiding it. The hardest thing about sex waning in a relationship is admitting you have a problem. Well, I have a problem.
The talk came after we’d gone away to stay at a romantic Airbnb for a friend’s wedding. We had a beautiful room, and I knew sex was (hopefully) on the agenda. Unfortunately, it ended up being a very busy, stressful time and I made the mistake of planting the idea of sex but not following through. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
When he brought it up a few days later, he was honest with me that he was hurt and frustrated that our sex life had ground to a stop, and he hadn’t brought it up before for fear of upsetting me. I did get upset. Not because he was bringing it up – I respected his bravery, approaching this hard topic in a neutral, very calm way. I was upset because I didn’t want to admit there was something wrong. I was also upset because I, in turn, didn’t want to upset him. How do you tell your partner you’ve stopped wanting to have sex without them taking it personally?
I love my boyfriend. He’s my best friend, I’m attracted to him, and I love spending time with him. I feel like my need for intimacy and love is completely satisfied. I’ve just slowly, over the last 6-8 months, lost the desire for sex. Any kind of sex, solo included. I can’t remember the last time I masturbated. The thought of reaching for my vibrator makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable – when that thought even occurs to me at all.
My body image and happiness with my appearance have also taken a nose dive in recent years, both due to negative self-talk and having gained weight steadily since I graduated college. I have always struggled with my appearance and hyper-fixated on my stomach, which got worse when that particular part of my body grew even larger.
So, let’s lay it out in the open and call the beast by its name. I have lost the desire for sex. But WHY?!?! I have some ideas, and the more I allow myself to confront the problem head-on, the more ideas I have. The one thing that has become increasingly clear is that my sex drive isn’t going to magically reappear after an extremely extended vacation. If I want it back, I need to work at it.
So, universe, consider this my first step to putting in the work to get my sex life back!
